gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Randomize
