Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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