We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I need moral support for this bender
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
