i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
