in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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