Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
