Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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