Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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