Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
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