home. puking in laundry basket.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
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My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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