Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
