I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
