that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
what is it with giant penises always finding me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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