I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
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Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
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Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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