if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
