By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
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It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
pray to the hookup gods
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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