i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
These tits shall not be calmed
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
