I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
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i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
A+ Viking dick
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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