I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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