you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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