I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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