Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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