just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
