I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Randomize
