My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How does it feel to date your dad?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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