Tell her she can't have a vagina
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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