Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
