Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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