I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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