Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
