your parents love me but you hate me
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just cropdusted the office
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
