maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
