ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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