but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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