sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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