I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
