party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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