I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
