my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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