I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
