I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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