you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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