need another drink. this is the easiest way
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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