I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
