you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
