don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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