i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
