So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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