I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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