I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Randomize
