Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
