This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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