I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
