i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
