Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
