last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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