6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
