I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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